Sometimes You Have To Fall, To Get Back Up [Beforemath]

If you didn’t read my previous post, this may be a little confusing.

You may be wondering why I chose to talk about the aftermath first, well. I wanted to emphasize my growth before I mentioned my stupidity. Now this post is difficult for me to talk about. I’ve honestly been stalling to write it, which is also why I didn’t want to write it first. It’s always easier to talk about the good than the bad. Right? It was an embarrassing, and painful part of my life.

So without further ado, here’s what happened before…

I graduated high school in 2011. I was super stoked to leave home and be on my own. This was when I barely had a relationship with my family. My mindset was to get away from home, live freely and do what I want. Can you imagine my excitement? I was going to be living two hours away from home, close enough to come back, but far enough to be on my own.

This was one of my downfalls. Let me explain,

Since I had very strict parents, I wasn’t allowed to do many things. I had a curfew which was like nine, sometimes ten, if I was lucky. If you know strict parents, you would wait until they were in a good mood to ask to go out … I wasn’t able to leave the house past seven p.m because it was already too late. So yes, I felt locked up. I may have resented them for it, and in result I acted out. Anyway, I became more focused on my freedom than my education. I mean don’t get me wrong, I still did the work, but sometimes it was half assed. I was just in love with the idea of being free.

Until, I met someone.

Yes guys, going into college I got a boyfriend. Which is sort of ironic if you think about it, because I was going to school to do my own thing but yet I became tied down by a boy? Hmmm.

Anyway, It was probably four months in when I met him. Four months… We met from a mutual friend we had, and okay. I was going in saying, I’m not going to have a boyfriend because I’ve been hurt, bad. Fuck boys. Blah, blah, blah, bullshit. That type of thing. So we met, we started talking and ya know he showed me he was different. I got sucked in and believed it …

I was Head Over Heels in Love.

My whole life revolved around him.

He was the love of my life.

Nothing mattered more than him.

And this was the start of my fuck up.

You know when you’re first dating, it’s so beautiful, exciting and everything just feels so right? Yeah, the honeymoon phase. Well. Being a sucker for romance and love. I was in desperate need for love. I needed it so bad. I wanted to be loved, because I didn’t love myself. I would watch all those prince charming movies, ever since childhood, it’s what I believed in, it’s what I wanted more than anything. So I sold my soul away, and it didn’t matter at what cost.

Our relationship was good for the first year. And after that it started slowly slipping away, and so did my grades. I became more stressed about my relationship and trying to make it work than worried about studying for exams. An idiot in love. Or was it even love? I’m not entirely sure it was ever love, I was addicted to the pain. No matter what had happened, I was still there. Trying to make things work. I was in love with the idea of love, but I never realized that I was settling.

That went on for two years. Our relationship was on and off. Actually, It was on and off for the entire relationship. Red Flag? Obviously, I didn’t see it. Or I did, I was just already too involved to accept it. Around Sophomore year, he had joined a fraternity.

MY LUCK.

He completely changed as a person. I was supportive, at least I tried to be. I was against fraternities and sororities. I mean, you hear about them and what you hear isn’t always pleasant. So I tried to be supportive, but it affected our relationship a lot. It became more important than me. I had become second in line. But did I care? HELL YEA, I just accepted it. I tolerated it. I didn’t want to lose him, I didn’t want to be alone.

While he was falling in love with his brotherhood, I was pushing everyone else away. Unintentionally, of course. You don’t realize you’re doing something until someone tells you. I started spending less time with him and because of it, I made whatever move to spend time with him. So of course, I didn’t spend time with anyone else because I had to have my time open to see him, whenever that was. I practically lived with him, while I payed for rent at my actual place. Guys, I was sucked in. He owned me.

This continued until junior year, and he began to smoke weed. I was always against it. But guess what? I did it. I gave in. Not because I wanted to, but it was the only way I could hang out with him. Sadly, this was the only thing we had in common anymore. I was trying to save the relationship, but there was nothing to save. The relationship just became super unhealthy, things got worse and worse. It became emotionally abusive. There was secrets, lies and pain. Absolutely NO TRUST. He always tried to leave and I begged and pleaded. Stay. Just stay with me. Everyone saw it, even me. I just didn’t care what anyone else thought.

My grades, dropped. I skipped classes. Barely studied. It didn’t matter, even after I got dismissed. I tried to stay. I tried to go to college there, get a job but NOTHING. The universe kept trying to tell me something and I kept trying to fight it.

Guys, I don’t blame him for anything. I blame myself. I was young, stupid and in love. In love with the idea of love. I literally gave him my all and that was my mistake. In order for me to have love, I needed to love myself. I had to do me. Live my life, do what I want to do and have love on the side. Love shouldn’t be needed, it should be wanted. So once I left the UC, of course we finally broke up. That sealed the deal. And once he was gone I grew. Of course! He was toxic and after letting go, I focused on myself.

I remember it all, I remember the amount of pain I went through. It’s hard to erase such painful memories but after getting rid of all that hate, I forgave. I learned to love. Truly love.

If any of you feel stuck, unhappy or unloved. Remember to put yourself first. You’re much more valuable than anything else. No one is going to love you more other than yourself. I know it may be hard, you may be torn and it will suck! Trust me, I went through it. But once you have that, everything else falls so easily. Life is full of surprises, you just have to trust the process. Who knows, something better is just waiting for you. Right around the corner…

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.

C.S. Lewis
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