Quick Lens into my Life …

I want to tell you guys a story.

Okay, maybe not exactly a story.

More like a lens of my life.

I want to be as raw as possible.

It’s something I’ve held onto. To be honest it’s probably something I haven’t had the chance to deal with. Not because I don’t want to or can’t but because I don’t know all the details.

You see,

I know what I’ve been told. I know those bits and pieces. But every time I talk about it, it somehow still affects me. So I want to talk about it.

I know I’ve mentioned before in two of my other posts about an incident that happened about three years ago. And if you haven’t read them, go check them out! Anyways, I want to mention that this experience changed me a lot. Sometimes I feel happy it happened. Because y’all, I basically got a second chance at life. But other times, I wonder if it never happened would I still be the same old me? I think I’ve always had some level of anxiety. But because of this, it enhanced it. to the EXTREME.

I know your probably like okay girl, get to your point.

Well, I wanted to tell you about the good and bad parts. I could tell you about that experience, but it wouldn’t be long at all. Trust me. I may know as much as you guys do and basically what I’ve already told you.

THE GOOD

One of the good things that came out of this was that I got closer to my family. Not only that but I got rid of toxic people in my life. I was never daughter of the year. No, I was actually quite the opposite. I was a rebel, didn’t appreciate anything, disrespectful and always kept to myself. Back then I had considered friends to be my family. How ironic, right? Well. Once this happened, can you guess who were the only people there to see me? Yup. My Family. And I don’t mean just passing through, or checking up on me every now and then. I mean, missed work. Stayed the whole time I was there and made sure I was being given the right treatment. Ever since then, my relationship with them grew. And I can’t imagine how I went eighteen years without it.

Now, these toxic people. Y’all I think it’s safe to say, we all need to get rid of those people because you are so much better off. One of these people was my ex, yes. I got in contact with him right after and he was the worst. I swear, I basically was on my deathbed and he did not give a zero fuck. I remember even after him being a dick, I tried contacting him again and nope. Not a change. BUT I’M SO GLAD FOR IT! If it weren’t for him being that way I would have never met my husband. And boy, I wouldn’t change that for the world. So thank you for being a dick yo! Also, all these other people I tried contacting, didn’t even bother to care. They straight up ghosted, not even kidding. I got pity. What was the point in that? I didn’t need it. Definitely didn’t need them.

Side note: During this time, I was actually going to school. So I had to finish college. I was away from family and didn’t have them physically there. I had to do this on my own. I struggled and lived through it, I wasn’t going to let my mistake take away my degree. I mean not for the second time… [a different story for another time]

I did gain one real genuine friend. Her name is Alma. This girl, I can’t even begin to thank. She was there for me from day one. She let me stay with her as long as I needed. She probably spent day and night with me because I was in a dark place, she did everything she could just to make sure I was doing okay. She’s the real MVP. I will always be grateful for her. I can honestly say she helped me through the process, being that I was away from home. She made it easier to get through it all.

I grew as a person. I became aware of the important things in life. That’s what usually happens right, when you get a second chance in life? You want to do what’s right, you want to do things that make you happy, you want to finally live your best life… that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I made sure to fully love myself even with demons. I’m sure we are all battling them, but mine are in my head and they probably will never go away. I want to be able to say I live with anxiety not suffer from it. It’s a bumpy road, one that I’m still trying to master.

Which brings to this, I have anxiety. I don’t want to categorize it under good or bad because I feel it shouldn’t be categorized, I don’t want to put a negative connotation on it, I live with this. I admit it’s not great, but it’s a part of me. It used to be something I never talked about. It’s not easy to talk about, it’s a mental disorder. So how are you supposed to be so open about something that sounds so crazy? It took me a long time to accept it and to be open about it. But it’s who I am. It doesn’t define me but it’s a huge part of me. It’s not easy to live with it. It makes everything a lot harder. My brain works differently than other brains, so breathing is key. It’s a step into sanity.  I’ve gone to therapy for it, and I admit. I’ve come a long way with it.

THE BAD

As I stare at the word bad, I can’t actually think of anything bad coming out of my experience. I mean if you count drinking or smoking, but to me those things weren’t a necessity. I don’t care much for them. I’ll explain, I am unable to be under the influence because I get paranoid. More of a I can’t control my body when it’s under the influence, that’s the part that scares me. So I stay away from things like that.

But Yes, it was traumatic. Yes, I am a different person. But isn’t that what life’s all about? Going through these instances and changing your life for the better. Yes, I will always have this empty memory about the whole experience but I ended up with good memories.

I learned not to trust so easy.

I learned to be grateful.

I learned to be careful.

And even though my brain changed, my life got better.

Be happy with who you are.

There is only one of you.

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