Ever wondered what it’s like to be in the shoes of someone with anxiety?
Ever wondered why such a beautiful human being could collapse within seconds and not understand it?
To feel anxiety is to feel a sense of loss within yourself. Not being able to grasp onto your mind and take control. To dictate every action, every word, every feeling. It’s so dominant you can’t resist, you can’t fight it. Thoughts after thoughts speaking to you, yelling at you, telling you to doubt yourself. Filling your mind with negativity.
What are you doing? – This is bad.
You can’ trust this, are you sure about this?
Monsters aren’t scary, the things inside my head are. They scare me. Constant worry, constant doubt. As your mind overflows it goes into shock, releasing surge through your body, not only mentally corrupting you but physically taking over your body, as if your soul has just been stolen.
Unable to relapse, your heart beating so fast there’s no realization of a pulse. Tears so heavy, the ability to breathe has stopped. Reality has just been distorted and the stability you once had, GONE. The sensation of heat coming out of your body, releasing water molecules. The quick instinct to escape, hoping no one is watching. The feeling of death right at your doorstep, saying Hello.
And sometimes, if your lucky, you wont go through an episode. Sometimes, thoughts are all that dominate you, like a puppet. But instead of a puppeteer moving your strings, your strings own you. Wondering if they will ever leave you alone. If it will ever give you a break and let you be free.
Sometimes, you just want to tear yourself apart and see what its like to be outside your skin. To be able to escape yourself and relax. Doing something and regretting it seconds after, questioning if what you did was right, if it was okay. Wishing you were confident enough to be who you are without feeling like everyone around you is judging you.
What is she wearing? Why does she look like that? What is she saying?
Comfort is being alone. Away from people. Knowing that no one can hurt you, knowing that you are safe in your own space. It’s like a steel bubble, protection. This is my happy place, right here.
And like this jumbled description, our minds jump from thought to thought.
Without reason, without structure.
Not a single plausible explanation.
Posted in: Anxiety